“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
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Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Is this you?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did