@SuperShourds

I didn’t have a headache until you pulled your pants down.

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@nachosarah

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

@RonAnthonyQuinn

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

@coffeeandvinyl1

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

@NurseMurderer

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

@GrantTanaka

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

@isabelzawtun

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

@SteveSuckington

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat