Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously