The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.