I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat