@LurkAtHomeMom

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

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@NourHadidi

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

@suecorvette

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

@Darlainky

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

@yerpalmildsauce

*noise*
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is

@bewgtweets

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

@thisplacetho

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

@EndhooS

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

@StrugglesBGbb

It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.