Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
2 hours into dieting] omg I’m so lightheaded
so crazy that kids born in 18 will be turning 2000 this year
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Gf: I have 30min
Me: you thinking what im thinking?
Gf: oh yea *starts undressing
Me: *googles closest laser tag location
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.
Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.