I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
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The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
What in the hipster hell is going on here
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person