I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

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Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.


*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?


Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:


I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.



(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)


Bong Joon-ho did 100% what any of us would do if we won more than one Oscar: he made them make out


INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes


[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.


every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me