@Gorilla_Turd
@3sunzzz
Sleep Pattern
H: 🌃🥱😌😪😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😪😌🥱🏙
M: 🌃🥱😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😴😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳🏙
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@3sunzzz
@BigJDubz
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No. God no. In fact, I think we should split up
Me: Oh. How much longer is this ride?
Hot air balloon pilot: Yeah, like 4 more hours
@GrantTanaka
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
@SortaBad
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
@brownbear952
I’m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
@Brianhopecomedy
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
@AndrewChamings
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
@sock_holliday
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
@Dani_Feld
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
@Death_Buddy
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*