@Gorilla_Turd

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

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@3sunzzz

Sleep Pattern

H: 🌃🥱😌😪😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😪😌🥱🏙

M: 🌃🥱😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😴😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳🏙

@BigJDubz

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No. God no. In fact, I think we should split up

Me: Oh. How much longer is this ride?

Hot air balloon pilot: Yeah, like 4 more hours

@GrantTanaka

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

@SortaBad

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

@brownbear952

I’m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

@sock_holliday

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

@Dani_Feld

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

@Death_Buddy

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*