I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
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Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
The French cow says MEUX…