I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
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Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No. God no. In fact, I think we should split up
Me: Oh. How much longer is this ride?
Hot air balloon pilot: Yeah, like 4 more hours
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I’m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*