@Gorilla_Turd

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

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@KamaroPayne

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

@Michael1979

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

@BlondAmbitionTO

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

@funnybeachgirl

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

@thisisames

Bong Joon-ho did 100% what any of us would do if we won more than one Oscar: he made them make out

@chuuew

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

@Staggfilms

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

@relatabledad

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me