“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down… and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.
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Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP
MIDWIFE: The baby’s
WIFE: NO, THE NOISE
ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?
*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?
Him-Whatever you want.
Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: Am I your only friend?
Imaginary friend: Sure are!
Imaginary friend’s imaginary friend: Wow, I’m right here.