I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down… and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.

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Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW


the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts


[getting cuffed and arrested]

me: but officer it was medicinal

cop: again, there’s no such thing as medicinal homicide


North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.


People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.


I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.


Granny always said, ‘If in doubt, check it out.’
My addition: ‘If the answer gets your goat, punch ’em in the throat.’


To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0


[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff


I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”