@joeljeffrey

I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down… and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.

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@WordsOfaHooker

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

@brianbowman73

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

@GingerHotDish

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP

MIDWIFE: The baby’s

WIFE: NO, THE NOISE

ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?

@mexinonblonde

*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?

Him-Whatever you want.

Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*

@UnFitz

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

@flaskofwhiskeyy

My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.

@tangledteatime

Me: Am I your only friend?

Imaginary friend: Sure are!

Imaginary friend’s imaginary friend: Wow, I’m right here.