I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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Covid like
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
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What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine