I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Whoa 😂
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW