I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Trumpy Cat
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.