I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
You Might Also Like
What flavor cupcake are these
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.