I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I missed you with all my darts
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?