[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs