I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.