I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
You Might Also Like
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
WHY?!
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
christening a ship with an overripe banana