I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
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Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
real
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.