@MichaelTrying

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

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@tequilasaltlife

He’s going to change just for you?

Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid

@robfee

What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??

@Mr_Kapowski

*runs into dental hygienist in store*

Me: How are you?

Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*

Me: Not so easy huh

@Darlainky

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

@Browtweaten

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

@JustinGuarini

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

@bea_ker

Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them

@robdelaney

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

@FFmaxhyde

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle