I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

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He’s going to change just for you?

Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid


What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??


*runs into dental hygienist in store*

Me: How are you?

Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*

Me: Not so easy huh


I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.


Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR


Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.


Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them


Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.


Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle