I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
When I laugh on my period
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”