I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
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WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I put the hot in psychotic.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Sounds like a bargain
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.