Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
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My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon