Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Humor_Fetish

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

@trashcanbee

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

@blade_funner

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

@WilliamAder

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

@Bandersnaaatch

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

@wife_housy

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

@House_Feminist

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

@ArfMeasures

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

@clichedout

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

@SkinnerSteven

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon