You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
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I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose