I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.