I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Genius idea!!
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.