I didn’t shower today and there has been a gnat flying around my head for several minutes. I think this is how my life as Pigpen starts.

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Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.


“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall


Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.


If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible


Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart


To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.


What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.


Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.

*puts away bowl and spoon


If you think marijuana doesn’t kill you’ve obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.