If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
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“Morning, how was your weekend?”
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.