I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

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When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”


If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*


Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome ūüôā


My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me


The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.


It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.


Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then


[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.