I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
You Might Also Like
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.