Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
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If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
cdc: don’t go out
cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs
me: no problem
cdc: [sweating] or restaurants
me: damn. drive-thru?
cdc: still open
me: this doesn’t affect me at all
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee