@Chumpstring

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

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@Megatronic13

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

@LoveNLunchmeat

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

@Ms_Moneypenny_

The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.

@sadmonsters

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

@donttouchjames

cdc: don’t go out

me: ok

cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs

me: no problem

cdc: [sweating] or restaurants

me: damn. drive-thru?

cdc: still open

me: this doesn’t affect me at all

@TheAlexNevil

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

@Scimommy

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

@Browtweaten

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

@upsidedowntrash

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

@longwall26

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee