I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…

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My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking


I’ve been on a diet for a month and I’ve lost exactly 4 weeks.


Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.


how to hot dogs:

1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
4( drink


Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?


So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow


*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?


If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!


Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?