I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…

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The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.


Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?


“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.


me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)


I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy


If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs


When you say ” friends with benefits” I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store


My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.