In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
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Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!