@chadzappa

I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…

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@elisemarie91

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

@jrogasm

I’ve been on a diet for a month and I’ve lost exactly 4 weeks.

@thewritertype

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

@WigCannon

how to hot dogs:

1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
4( drink

@Book_Krazy

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

@Matt_The_1st

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

@Jake_Vig

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

@_definitlymaybe

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

@jordan_stratton

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?