Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
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I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Hero horse inspires millions
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Livid.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name