I didn’t Survive Cooties to be Taken Out by a Goddam Virus.

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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.


My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.


My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer


I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”


I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They’re not quite sure if I’m the district manager or not.


1 out of every 3 New Yorkers has written, directed, and starred in an episode of “Law & Order.”


If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.


Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.


Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult


I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.