I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
A dead goose is called a ghoost
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.