@Okeating

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

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@LeonEarlgrey

The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.

@Bob_Janke

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

@Nodine13

Tell her you already got her gift, & ask her to try & guess.

Then go buy something she guessed. Shopping made easy.

@onion_an

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

@WheelTod

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

@jazmasta

That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?

@meghaffer

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

@mommajessiec

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

@Sal_Stevens

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity