I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
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Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.