@iAmDelFreaky

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

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@carlyken

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

@GeriatricBeards

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

@Dadsbustednuts

I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn’t know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.

@not_delicate

** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:

@TheBoydP

[Newlywed Game]

Bob Eubanks: Describe your wife as an animal

Me: *flips card* Owl

Wife: Who?

Me: You

Wife: Who?

*Bob and I high five*

@AGreaterMonster

This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.

@NYC_Blonde

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

@_davidlucas_

Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:

“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.