Hostess: Table for one?
Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?
Me: Yes, one please.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
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After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.