@gabbazaba

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

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@Shock_Monster

Hostess: Table for one?

Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?

Hostess: …

Me: …

Hostess: …

Me: Yes, one please.

@jellybnbonanza

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

@itsnashflynn

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

@seancehat

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

@GoodNaps

Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else

@Skoog

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

@lisaxy424

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

@Thynebear

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

@jergarl

I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.