i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

You Might Also Like


Hostess: Table for one?


Hostess: …

Me: …

Hostess: …

Me: Yes, one please.


After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.


you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak


customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college


Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else


[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect


30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.


Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.


I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.