i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
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Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed