I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
And I thought I had issues. – Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
All the world does is try to tear us apart.
-me to my bed every morning
I’ll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they’ve been following the wrong “mom butt” at the grocery store.