@dundlewood

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

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@MorticiaKate

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

@dorsalstream

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

@Parentpains

And I thought I had issues. – Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.

@rn_murse

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

@POTerritory

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

@thDRAGnrebOrN

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

@wickedsuga

All the world does is try to tear us apart.

-me to my bed every morning

@GreyDeLisle

I’ll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they’ve been following the wrong “mom butt” at the grocery store.