I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?