I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”