I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
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Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice