I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
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I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy