The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
You Might Also Like
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐