10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Jupiter
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train