I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s