I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
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‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere