Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.