I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

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On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing


ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me


God: why don’t we text anymore?

Me: you know why

God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works

Me: k


husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL


This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.



[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]


I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Might not kill him but he’ll never have any friends.


[first date]

Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty

Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once


Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda