I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
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It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….