On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
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ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
God: why don’t we text anymore?
Me: you know why
God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Might not kill him but he’ll never have any friends.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty
Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda