@Darlainky

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

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@Hormonella

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

@ashmensch

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

@GrantTanaka

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

@gothtitty

i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

@TheBeerGuy73

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

@maisondecris

my veterinarian: don’t forget we offer a military discount!

me to my cat: have you served in the military

@lawbsterfest

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

@icrushedmyhalo

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*