“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
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I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
my veterinarian: don’t forget we offer a military discount!
me to my cat: have you served in the military
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*