@TitansHomer: I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@iwearaonesie: She said, "Are you even listening to me? This is important!" I said, "I don't know, pizza?" And that's how the fight started
@wittwitbarista: I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like "do you know how fast you were going?"Or "is that a raccoon smoking a joint?"
@SergioValenCo: Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational tweets are hard.