@TitansHomer: I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
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@theshantilly: Me: What's w/the ice pack? 12: I have a headache. Me: Do you think it's a good idea to play video games if you have a headache? 12: Yes.
@trentistweeting: "doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!" it's ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee
@skittle624: My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
@zebrasyndicate: *I come home with an empty stroller* WIFE: OMG, where's the baby? ME: ...so there was a Dad Joke Battle WIFE: ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK