I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
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“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.