[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
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I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”