I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
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my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.