I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Girl, same.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair