I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.