don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
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The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
mmm onion ringos
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty