@bhizzle13

I do it doggy style… as in I spin around three times before I sit on the toilet.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

@Scottzilla667

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

@AbbieEvansXO

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

@vangobot

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

@hippocroteez

I had three girlfriends once and that was the worst recess ever.

@allyneedy

Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet

@broken_rhi

I don’t trust super skinny women who bake all the time. Where are all those calories going Susan? Hmm???

@LoriLuvsShoes

A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair

@AdderallMomma

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.