I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself