I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.


CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”


If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.


Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?

Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4


[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan


“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”


This isolation thing isn’t going to be so hard. I spent half my teenage years getting grounded so there’s that.


*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend

*keeps avoiding eye contact

*walks by friend

*hears friend calling name

*breaks into a run


Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.


*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*