Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.
Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?
Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
This isolation thing isn’t going to be so hard. I spent half my teenage years getting grounded so there’s that.
*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend
*keeps avoiding eye contact
*walks by friend
*hears friend calling name
*breaks into a run
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*