I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.